Ryder McEntyre, Campus Carrier Graphics Editor
I’m sure this is quite the unpopular opinion, but I want winter back.
Okay, before you start throwing rotten fruit at me as if we were suddenly no longer in the 21st century, let me explain.
My hatred of summer began one fateful, hot May when I was just a youth. I had the tragic displeasure of helping my family cave in my grandparents’ pool. The pool was the only reason I looked forward to summer and I had to help cave it in because it got too old and costly to keep up in the sweltering heat.
Hot weather brings a lot of other things that I am not a very big fan of: sweating, a slight reminder that Global Warming is, in fact, happening; more sweating; tons of pollen making my face shut like a steel trap; getting sunburns; even more sweating; Panama City Beach neon T-shirts coming out in droves; giant bugs that swarm around the entrances to every single building ever built by man; and most importantly the complete lack of ways to look like a classy gentleman because suits become lead when you walk into the sunlight.
Let’s start about the fact that global warming is a thing. Yes, it’s a thing. Earth warms and cools over millions of years in cycles. We’re in the period of Earth’s maturation which we call “heat”. Summers have become more and more insufferable at a rate I thought impossible. The only reason summer exists is to slap us in the face with the blazing sunlight and yell “Why? Why have you ruined the only place you have to live?”
Then we have the sweating. I don’t like to sweat because it makes me feel like I’m actually melting. Call me melodramatic—I dare you. But one day, you’ll step in a puddle on a scorching day, become confused and suddenly realized that I’ve completely melted and now I’m all over your shoe. I’ll have the last laugh.
Familiar with those Panama City Beach neon shirts from hell? Those come out en masse for some reason and they are really, really ugly. You’re not in Panama City Beach because you’re at Berry College. I don’t know why you are proud of going to Panama City Beach. It’s the Regret Riviera. I find those hideous shirts to be even more offensive whenever you pair them with equally neon short shorts. Shine bright like your thighs.
It’s also even more infuriating to think that global warming was caused by you driving down to Panama City beach to buy those hideous shirts and make lots of decisions you’re not going to remember.
Summer is just the worst. I literally walk outside and my skin starts to roast like a fine slab gyro spinning in the kitchen of an overpriced Greek restaurant. Skin cancer is a bad thing and I cannot seem to apply enough sunscreen that is obviously meant for fragile baby skin because some part of me is a ginger (spoiler: it’s my beard).
Cold weather is the best because it allows you to wear more clothes. (Let’s be honest, a lot of people should wear more clothes). Just think about it—the majority of fashionable things are too heavy or too big to be worn anywhere near the equator, much less during the summer anywhere in the U.S. There’s the old adage: in the winter, you can always put on more clothes. In the summer, you cannot keep taking clothes off because you’ll be nude and no one will be your friend unless you’re Ryan Gosling in which case that is an excellent way to make friends. Anyways, I was talking about clothing! Get out of here, Gosling! No one can tell me honestly that it’s possible to wear a suit in the summertime and not get a heat stroke. I’m not going to believe you because it’s impossible. “Oh, but wear a linen suit!” Shut up! No! That’s false. Linen is cooler than something like a wool suit, but honestly how many of us have a linen suit? It’s impractical because in winter you’re better off wearing brown grocery bags and newspapers for warmth and linen suits are not cheap. All of this said, I would love to own one.
It’s just easier to be alive in the winter and fall. Also, everything is pretty much dead or dormant. Bugs aren’t swarming you when you step outside, stinging your every pore. Everything isn’t covered in pollen. The world is a better, quieter place when it’s cold outside. I’m literally counting down the days until fall begins and everything begins to die and people can no longer wear those accursed PCB shirts because they will be far too cold and I will be far too happy. Everything also feels cleaner. You’re not sweating. Your skin is not on fire. You might shiver every now and then, but then you go inside and you can start a fire.